change in people, Giving Up, honesty, messy relationships, poem, Poetry, reality, Youth

What Happened To Me?

I wonder what happened to me, not to us.
We’ve fought a lot as we travelled inside this bitter-sweet bus.
We’ve experienced every emotion it has to offer us.
From feelings of anxiety and fuss,
To feelings of love and lust.

It has been a crazy ride
as we tumble and rise against the tide.
And even though times can get pretty rough,
I regret nothing and I do not regret our love.

But I do question some things from time to time.
Like what happened to me all this time?
Have I changed so much that I didn’t notice it?
I’m beginning to question the mirror and the person inside it.

I’ve been asking myself about what I truly feel.
Like how is it that I love you, but why does it seem unreal?
How is it that I love you, but I’m not crazy about you anymore?
How is it that I hate you, but at the same time someone I adore?

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not choosing other people over you.
Trust me when I say that my love for you is stronger than ten to the power of two.
And I haven’t fallen in love with someone else or anything of that sort.
And if someone else fell in love with me,
All they’d get is my “NO” and abrupt retort.

I love you so much even words can’t describe it.
But I’m not crazy in love the way you are to me.
I wouldn’t really fret about it even a bit,
But I found this “crazy in love” a problem you see.

If I’m going to be honest, I feel bad about myself.
Like how am I not crazy about you when you’re the person I love the most?
I’m like your symbiotic parasite and you are my host.
Yet why am I not head over heels for you and that’s why I am at a loss.

Loss for words on how to justify what I feel.
If I’m not crazy for you, then how can I prove that my love is real?
Maybe that’s why we still haven’t compromised after six long years.
Maybe that’s why we still bicker about the same things I tire to hear.

I hate myself for not being able to love you back like I should.
I wish I can be an expressive lover like you, I really wish I could.
That way, you’ll stop doubting my love and everything would be good.
But I am not like that and I loathe myself because I’m not doing what a “good lover” should.

But despite all of my shortcomings, you’re still here to stay.
You’re still with me and you always make it a point to call me everyday.
I know I should be happy, but I’m honestly not.
I feel like everything is welling up towards a sickening plot.

You have been a very good partner and you’re the best one I’ve had so far.
But I can’t help but think that you and I are not on par.

I don’t deserve someone like you, I don’t deserve the love you have to give.
An amazing, beautiful and loving person like you shouldn’t be trapped to live
In this shitty life and with a shitty guy like me.
That’s why every so often when I pray,
I ask God to take you away
And find you someone else who is worthy.
I pray to God that you’ll find someone better than me.

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